Every Day I Miss You (Part 1)

“If I had a single flower for every time I think about you, I could walk forever in a garden”.- C. Gandhi

What’s there to miss about Mariel? I’d say, a world. For starters, she had always provided me with that reassuring presence that I could do just about anything I decided to put my heart into, and that she’d be there to follow me to the ends of the earth. Out of enthusiasm, unwavering belief, respect…, love? I guess all of the above and more. For Mariel had in her also the best qualities of a leader. One of which was knowing exactly when to intervene and when to get out of the way. And God, while we had so many “spirited” discussions over the years about almost everything, she never once imposed her ideas on me. For she always tried to win me with reason and at even better, through example. Like she was first to sacrifice her love of shopping during times when our “finances” weren’t too great. That’s why I felt so guilty when hankering after that next “gadget” then. But luckily, many times she had conveniently looked the other way while I raided the iPod shop. She “spoiled” me, and that’s why I miss her so much now.

I also miss her creative home decor projects. Those who knew Mariel will tell you how much she loved to decorate our little home. While her favorite themes were mostly English and American country-style, she had this knack for making masterpieces of even “found” objects. In general, she wanted everything to be plainly clean, sunny and comfortable. Bright floral prints interacted with fresh greens and cool blues. And certainly, life would not be complete if we didn’t have her favorite accents in lilac, violet or purple. While I often contradicted her ideas with my own “unique” design sense, I have to admit now that most of the time she was right when it came to deciding where to put that piano or next flower pot.

I miss her for her ways with Sam. Mariel loved her dearly but really knew how to “discipline” her. She had always told me it was all about timing. She knew when to be firm and when to give those hugs. I am lousy at it. So, I usually end up aggravating Sam’s feelings even when I just wanted to give her some encouragement. I really need to practice more.

I miss just sitting around the house and reading the newspaper with her. We get into these lively exchanges on politics, business news and many times about that juicy entertainment gossip about town. Mariel could trade views on just about anything from Alan Greenspan to Brangelina. That’s why she was never a bore to be with. She would always make you feel comfortable and knowledgeable. She would try to reach out to you even when initially she’d appear “offish” when you meet her. I guess she was just in some ways shy, but she was always very compassionate.

I miss her for her “heart”. She was usually first to remember birthdays, anniversaries of friends and kin. She had always gently reminded me of these stuff. She was genuinely concerned how well people were doing. Whether it was to visit a friend who was sick or to get that little present for my mom when we see her on Sundays to cheer her up, Mariel simply cared for others. And she could do this in a way that you’d never even feel that you’d have to return the favor. I’ve heard many, many stories of people she had “helped”. All of which I’ve only known after she’d been gone. She never once tried to share with me any of her little acts of charity. Giving came to her naturally, and oftentimes it was Sam and me who were at the receiving end.

Tonight I simply miss snuggling on the bed with her and our “Sammy”. I miss her warm and comfy embrace. Her nice smell. Her kisses that were more like sniffs. I miss her gentle reminder of that “early meeting” tomorrow. I miss giving her those leg massages that put her to sleep. I miss coming home late then waking her up in the middle of the night just to tell her stories about how our high school reunion went. (She’d even try to stay awake and be sympathetic.)

But I just miss being next to Mariel now and knowing that everything will be all right tomorrow when I wake. Because I am sure that she’ d be there to follow me to the ends of the earth if she had to.

I love you Mommy. I do miss you everyday. There are so many things I want to tell you when we next meet. Good night.

Happy Mother’s Day Mommy

I found this Mother’s Day card I gave Mariel a few years back among some cards she had so neatly saved in a bundle. To tell you honestly, I never even remember writing it and it was simply dated “May 2″. You know how it is with us “boys”, we often look at occasions such as these as more like a “duty” than anything else. Of course I know better now. And I still have Mariel to thank for finding a “safe” place for all the memories. For it seems like even then she knew that one day I would gladly give anything for the chance to feel once more her loving presence, for even just a moment, no matter how fleeting.

My “Hallmark” card had a very nice photo of a flower garden (so appropriate now) and said simply–

“A mother’s love is like a garden, where the sun is always shining. Because of your thoughtfulness, my life has held many beautiful moments. Because of your caring, my heart has known a special kind of love. Happy Mother’s Day.”

And I wrote further on the margin, ” To my loving wife, Mariel, who inspires me and makes me whole. To the mother of my child who gives us a reason to be hopeful each day. I love you now and forever. — Bong”

The words rang so true then. And even more especially now, when they try to reach out through eternity.

Happy Mother’s Day Mommy from Sam and me. We love so very, very much. Now and forever.

The Things We Did Last Summer…

The Summer of ‘04 will forever have a special place in my heart. It just started as idle conversations over lunch and before we knew it, we were actually already lining up for visas at the US embassy. We had the time of our lives bringing Sam to Disneyland, meeting old friends and kin and really bonding as a family. Although the trip was quite physically demanding, having covered five states in barely five weeks, Mariel was always there to keep things running hunky- dory. She arranged all our flight connections, ironing and packing while balancing a 20- kilogram bag on her arm. And she never once whined about being inconvenienced, that’s why she ’s such an angel.

But like most vacations, snapshots get tossed into the bin after one goes back to the business of living. Hey, I’ve always thought I had a lifetime’s worth of more family vacations coming. Of course, now all I have are these photographs and memories to remind myself that I once had with me the world’s perfect traveling companion. We had both wanted to see the world together when we’re “old and grey”. But now I’ll just have to take comfort in the words of a song that said- “the things we did last summer, I’ll remember all winter long.”

Good night my beautiful princess, I promise we will have that nice holiday when we next meet.

How’s Sam Today? (Part 2)

Yes, I must say that most of people who knew Mariel would typically start our conversations with that question. That’s because they knew how precious little “Sammy” was to her mom. For Mariel had always wanted only the best for her daughter even if it meant that her own career and personal convenience will often have to take a back seat. But she didn’t mind, for Samantha was her “magnum opus”, all the best things she ever hoped to be and much more. Now I can only tremble at the responsibility but still choose to carry on for Mariel. Because I love her and find this task as the best way to thank her for the life we shared and for her truly “giving” heart.

Today, April 27, I brought Sam to Virra Mall in Greenhills to have a “fun” afternoon with her cousins, Gabby, Trisha and Julia. They had the usual dash to check out the latest Nintendo DS games at the gadget store. This week’s favorite flavor is none other than Super Mario (He’s back folks and if you’d care to know Mariel too spent many hours on the game and excelled at it some “twentysomething” years ago.) Sam of course seems to be very “okay” when she is around her cousins and playmates as her mom’s absence is momentarily eased. I still however sense a deep sadness in her. But who would not be, after a gaping hole had been created by her mom’s loss. Again we only choose to carry on despite the great inertia to cave in and abandon the “fight”. Because Mariel had exemplified always doing the “right things” and we should not do anything less. Always.

A Widower’s Prayer by Fr. Mario Ladra

My friend and classmate Edwin Rosales(OLGMS 1975) sent me this beautiful prayer by Fr. Mario Ladra tonight. I share it because it speaks so eloquently of my own painful journey and fears for the future. It also gives me the certainty and comfort that I seek and want so much to believe. It’s just a bit funny that this should come from someone who is neither a widower nor is married. I guess it’s God working through Fr. Mario.

If I may add a little prayer of my own, “Lord please always take care of our Mariel. Please give her the love and comfort she greatly deserved. Let her know that we miss and love her so much. Please tell her that one day in Your time , we shall all be together again to share Your love forever in our heavenly home. Amen.”

(My warm regards again to Edwin, Eva and children. Thanks for being there.)

A WIDOWER’S PRAYER
(Fr. Mario Ladra’s (OLGMS 1971) Straight from the Heart, A Prayer Companion)

Heavenly Father, you give comfort to those who believe in You.
Listen to me, as I pray for my needs.
Be my joy in my grief and victory in my failure.

As I embrace your will for this altered state of life,
console me with hope and certainty,
that the parting of my loved one (Mariel) is only apparent,
that she is still with me, caring for me, helping me in you, Lord,
and lovingly awaits for that day
when we will be reunited again in our heavenly home.

Keep reminding me that my life on earth
should not remain static and meaningless.
But help me to move on in your truth and love.

Help me in times of uncertainties and difficulties
especially in bringing up the child (Sam) You have entrusted to us.
May I bring her closer to You, despite my being alone
because I believe in my heart that You are there as my Divine Partner.

And when the essential problems of life threaten me to give up,
Help me to strongly believe and trust in your unceasing love.
Remain in me always and inspire me to dedicate my whole life
to your service and glory.

Amen.

Letter to Mariel, April 20, 2008

Dear Mariel,

I woke up today feeling a bit light-headed from staying up too late last night. You know I could not sleep because I had to lie alone on an empty bed in an empty house and I still terribly, terribly miss you . You know Sam is away on a weekend trip to Fontana Resort with Mama, Alma and her kids. I wanted to go with them but there are just too many things on my mind these days and I wont be a “nice” traveling companion so I decided to stay home instead. I did however manage to call “Sammy” before she went to bed last night and she seems to be having fun specially with the pool and the “giant slide”. I know that we would have both been there with her if things were different. That’s why I miss you even more.

I also dread facing this day knowing its the 7th month “anniversary” since you know. And all I can do is to pound away on this computer while feeling lonely. Nothing much really has changed since you left. I have not been able to organize much my life just yet, preferring to coast along instead or keep busy with little side projects. It’s like being on auto-pilot I guess as I rely mostly on Mama, Alma and Baguie to tell me where I needed to be. And I have not had much luck either with Sam who seems to be in some kind of a “space bubble”. She still avoids talking about you or looking at your pictures. Which is exactly the opposite of what I’d like to do all the time. But don’t worry Mommy, we will be able to sort things out sooner than later. Again as they says “grief is the price of love” (right, Robert). I know still that you will be always with us even while we go through our darkest and most difficult journey.

I still get “ambushed” by bad memories of our times at the hospital. I just try to block them off and just keep praying whenever those times come. You may have noticed that I’ve been “surprisingly” more prayerful these days. (I know at least the change would have made you happier now because you tried so hard to get me to realize this before. I know now why, for at the very end there’s just really God who will truly understand what you’re going through. Now I know..)

It’s a Sunday and I must be off now to Heritage Park to tend to your little memorial there. I think I will be bringing you more colorful ones this week. You may have been bored already with those white roses, white stargazers, white mums, white everything. I will do my best also to see “today” on a more positive light, as I know this would please you (I’m not making any longer term promises however because you know how it is). I will try today to remember only the good memories and all the good things you stood for, which are a lot. And to remember too the beautiful person whose beautiful face I loved to touch and kiss so much. And whose beautiful and loving embrace will remain with me till the day we meet again.

I love you Mommy, now and forever.

With all my love,

Bong

Helpless in Hanoi

Just arrived last night again from Vietnam after a week-long trip to work on a launch project for an airline company there. This explains my apparent absence from the blog for sometime now. Life had simply caught up with me as I tried to keep busy on “making a living”. Yes it takes so much more effort to “make” it when the very person who inspired you and moved you to be the best you can be is no longer there. I have to remind myself often that I still have Sam to live for. But while I’d do anything for our daughter, there are just it seems some things that could never be the same. Like, enjoying watching flower vendors in Hanoi’s picturesque streets and alluring parks.

I missed Mariel as I went through some small curio shops and art galleries in Pho Hang Trong street. These were those little things we did together when we were out on trips of “exploration”. These are now the little things that I tried doing but find to be somewhat pointless and uninspiring. I made sure however I brought home her favorite “fridge magnets” to add to her collection on our trusty ref. If truth be told too, I had actually found them before to be quite unattractive. Of course today I can only look at them with fondness and longing. I may even have a clue to why Mariel had collected them. Maybe perhaps, so that someday I can look at them again and re-live our lovely memories. I now would like to use them to remind Sam what a truly wonderful person her mother was. And how I had counted myself to be so lucky to have at some time shared browsing through those little curio shops with the most BEAUTIFUL person in the world.

Mariel, I love you. And I still miss you so very, very much.

She is Gone (A poem by David Harkins)

My friend, Gil Gonzales shared with me this poem by David Harkins. It’s so honest and true. God willing it will reach out to others too who have “lost” someone special. It gives hope to those of us who grieve that there is some way out of the darkness. That the beautiful memories and love we shared with our “lost loved ones” will live on forever.

Mommy, I know you’re smiling tonight. I love you.

“She is Gone” (Short poem by David Harkins of Silloth, Cumbria in the United Kingdom)

You can shed tears that she is gone
Or you can smile because she has lived

You can close your eyes and pray that she will come back
Or you can open your eyes and see all that she has left

Your heart can be empty because you can’t see her
Or you can be full of love that you shared

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday
Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday

You can remember her only that she is gone
Or you can cherish her memory and let it live on

You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn you back
Or you can do what she would want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on.

(My thoughts tonight are with Susan Jayme- La Chica and her family too. Her mom passed away early this week. Also my warmest regards again to Gil, Meliza Gonzales and kids. Thank you for all your loving kindness.)

Mommy, I’m back

I just got back tonight from a week-long trip to Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam. It was a very productive one, having accomplished some important milestones for an ongoing project there and also made a number of new friends along the way. It was “good”. However, tonight while I was waiting to be fetched from airport arrival area, it just suddenly dawned on me that for the first time Mariel wont be there anymore to take me home. For she did this without fail with every travel I made (which was quite often considering my work)

Mariel would sometimes also bring along our daughter Sam for those “special” times. And what a treat it was to be able to see the two most important persons in my life after an expectedly stressful outing. We ordinarily “grabbed a bite” after that at McDonald’s or something just to celebrate our togetherness. I imagined that Mariel looked forward to being with me again even if I ‘d been away only for a couple of days. She’d sometimes go directly from her work just to be there despite her own usually hectic work day. She’d customarily ask me how my trip went and if I had done my best to avoid eating those kinds of food that usually brought me gout. She only knew too well that as a rule I would try to “get away with it” as she would not be around to check on me. I missed those conversations so much now. Although back then I’d sometimes think of them as annoyances. You know how it is, guys. Now I only know better.

I had done my best to hide my tears tonight from the driver who had picked me up from the airport. ( Although I know I was never really good at these things. ) I truly felt so lonely at the airport arrival entrance, having again suddenly realized the great void in my life. Some will call it just “habit”, I call it simply love. For Mariel loved me enough to want to “see” even if it meant taking time away from more important things like Sam, work or catching up on a favorite book, etc., etc. I wish I had been thoughtful enough to have completely appreciated those simple moments at the airport terminal. But like many important moments in life, It’s so easy to take those for granted. I never realized that I was a bloody lucky bastard (pardon my French) to have my Mariel. Now I’m just another bloody lucky bastard crying at the airport wishing he knew then that he was the bloodiest, luckiest bastard on Earth indeed.

I love you Mommy, I’m back. I had brought home “something special” from my trip for you tonight.

Some Thoughts From Vincent

today, i finally get to write my thoughts on the loss of my friend, bong. i was in the process of finishing my first piece around a few weeks after this blog was set up. unfortunately, my stupid finger pressed something that made what i labored for around ten minutes disappear in internet heaven or hell. i guess it was meant to be since it gave me more time to fully appreciate and share with bong the loss of mariel. well, let me begin by saying that mariel has always been the quiet type every time that i met her. and this will often been mistaken by some who do not know her that well as aloof. but then i got to know mariel through bong. he would spend time sharing with me all the wonderful things she was to bong and sam, their wonderfully gifted daughter. bong would almost always relate stories about his loved one that showed another dimension — one of a loving wife, mother, daughter, sister, and friend. in the movie, jerry mcguire, tom cruise said the famous line “you complete me”. i guess this would be the best way to express one’s love for his or her soul mate. and now that i see how much of a void mariel has left behind in the life of my friend bong, i realized how much he loved and still loves her. and i am so blessed by the life of mariel who even in the death continue to take care of bong and sam in more ways that one. and i think bong you know what i mean. i am sure the she is your special guardian angel who takes care of the two of you. today is easter sunday and the message in our sunday service is about the two men going to emmaus. and when Jesus joined them, they didn’t recognized him for they were focused on despair and disappointment over the death of Jesus. i guess, at times, bong misses mariel in the physical sense — wanting for her to be with them again. but presence is not the only proof of love. it is when one realizes that a loved one will always be with us — meaning in our hearts and minds — do we get the strength to carry on. i know that bong is still grieving over the loss, but maybe the thought that mariel is and will always be there beside them is more than just comforting…it is so reassuring that the separation is only temporary. and we will all be together with our loved ones in His perfect time…just as we await the coming of our dearest loved one which is Jesus Christ. i apologize if this does not really make so much chronological sense. but one thing i am pretty sure of — it is only mariel that can complete bong. what a lucky and blessed person is my friend bong.

( Written by our friend– Vincent Huang Dy Buncio. please watch his beautiful video tribute to Mariel)