Every Day I Miss You (Part 1)

“If I had a single flower for every time I think about you, I could walk forever in a garden”.- C. Gandhi

What’s there to miss about Mariel? I’d say, a world. For starters, she had always provided me with that reassuring presence that I could do just about anything I decided to put my heart into, and that she’d be there to follow me to the ends of the earth. Out of enthusiasm, unwavering belief, respect…, love? I guess all of the above and more. For Mariel had in her also the best qualities of a leader. One of which was knowing exactly when to intervene and when to get out of the way. And God, while we had so many “spirited” discussions over the years about almost everything, she never once imposed her ideas on me. For she always tried to win me with reason and at even better, through example. Like she was first to sacrifice her love of shopping during times when our “finances” weren’t too great. That’s why I felt so guilty when hankering after that next “gadget” then. But luckily, many times she had conveniently looked the other way while I raided the iPod shop. She “spoiled” me, and that’s why I miss her so much now.

I also miss her creative home decor projects. Those who knew Mariel will tell you how much she loved to decorate our little home. While her favorite themes were mostly English and American country-style, she had this knack for making masterpieces of even “found” objects. In general, she wanted everything to be plainly clean, sunny and comfortable. Bright floral prints interacted with fresh greens and cool blues. And certainly, life would not be complete if we didn’t have her favorite accents in lilac, violet or purple. While I often contradicted her ideas with my own “unique” design sense, I have to admit now that most of the time she was right when it came to deciding where to put that piano or next flower pot.

I miss her for her ways with Sam. Mariel loved her dearly but really knew how to “discipline” her. She had always told me it was all about timing. She knew when to be firm and when to give those hugs. I am lousy at it. So, I usually end up aggravating Sam’s feelings even when I just wanted to give her some encouragement. I really need to practice more.

I miss just sitting around the house and reading the newspaper with her. We get into these lively exchanges on politics, business news and many times about that juicy entertainment gossip about town. Mariel could trade views on just about anything from Alan Greenspan to Brangelina. That’s why she was never a bore to be with. She would always make you feel comfortable and knowledgeable. She would try to reach out to you even when initially she’d appear “offish” when you meet her. I guess she was just in some ways shy, but she was always very compassionate.

I miss her for her “heart”. She was usually first to remember birthdays, anniversaries of friends and kin. She had always gently reminded me of these stuff. She was genuinely concerned how well people were doing. Whether it was to visit a friend who was sick or to get that little present for my mom when we see her on Sundays to cheer her up, Mariel simply cared for others. And she could do this in a way that you’d never even feel that you’d have to return the favor. I’ve heard many, many stories of people she had “helped”. All of which I’ve only known after she’d been gone. She never once tried to share with me any of her little acts of charity. Giving came to her naturally, and oftentimes it was Sam and me who were at the receiving end.

Tonight I simply miss snuggling on the bed with her and our “Sammy”. I miss her warm and comfy embrace. Her nice smell. Her kisses that were more like sniffs. I miss her gentle reminder of that “early meeting” tomorrow. I miss giving her those leg massages that put her to sleep. I miss coming home late then waking her up in the middle of the night just to tell her stories about how our high school reunion went. (She’d even try to stay awake and be sympathetic.)

But I just miss being next to Mariel now and knowing that everything will be all right tomorrow when I wake. Because I am sure that she’ d be there to follow me to the ends of the earth if she had to.

I love you Mommy. I do miss you everyday. There are so many things I want to tell you when we next meet. Good night.