“All days are nights to see till I see thee, And nights bright days when dreams do show thee to me” -William Shakespeare, Sonnet XLIII
Dear Mommy,
It’s your 2nd Birthday in Heaven. And I did my best to make today’s celebration of your life complement your simplicity, love and spirit of giving.
I still miss you every single day. I also still have this gaping hole in my life that may never be filled. After all, you’ve very much made up for my many shortcomings and that void may have to wait till we meet again. I’ve often wondered too how an extraordinarily beautiful person like you can fall in love with someone so “ordinary” like me. Was it the cologne? (he he he). You once hinted that you loved “smelling” me. I guess I never really asked because I’ve always assumed we will be growing old together. And that there will be much time for those conversations. But alas it was not meant to be. You however will remain forever young and beautiful in my memories, as I must admit that I look kinda “older” in the picture above. The last two years have not been very kind to me. That is why I have not really been putting out blogs of late. Because my thoughts have been mostly morbid and negative even while I’m in your “garden” every day. In fact, our dear friend Jan had caught that mood one time. So I waited a while for all the usual pangs of regrets to give way to some feeling of hopefulness.
I now see that hope being served with my developing a closer relationship with our beloved only daughter Sam. She needs you most during these days of emotional roller coasters as she slides into adolescence. And you know very well empathy has not been my best suit. But I’ll do all I can to learn newer ways of communicating with her because I know it can please you. Also, she needs me most now because her “ordinary” dad is all she has got in this world. I promise you though that I will make you someday prouder of me by nurturing our daughter to be like the extraordinary loving person that you were.
By the way, as I earlier talked about your spirit of giving. I had made sure today to get together your siblings here in the country for your little day of remembrance. I know it makes you specially happy that they are all in touch and supporting each other. I must carry on for you. So Ate Marge, Ate Gertie. Kuya Billy, Jay and Chinkie were there with their families. From across the miles, Kuya Sonny, Annie, Zave, Jenny, lovely friends Joy L, Grace V. and Ivy A. send their best wishes and prayers. Did you also like that Sam and I wore your favorite purple color today? And that she sang one of your favorite songs. It’s your day so I was hope you enjoyed it especially well.
I’d like to end for now with a short video collage of our blessed days together and maybe address the usual well-meaning-but-nagging question, could there be another person in my life ahead? I guess the tune quite simply says it all, “My One and Only Love”.
“You don’t know what love is
Til you’ve learned the meaning of the blues
Until you’ve loved a love you’ve had to lose
You don’t know what love is.”
I was listening to Kevyn Lettau’s version of this tune from her recent “What is Enough” album when it just struck me that I’ve never really learned to love till Mariel came into my life. Love for me before that was a hedonistic quest for fairytale endings, with me mainly as the beneficiary. Of course, Mariel had changed all that.
For she had shown me that love indeed is serving something greater than yourself. It means as I’ve said before, “finding one’s happiness in the happiness of another”. It’s doing good without expecting anything in return. It’s about setting aside one’s ego and also about “being firm” sometimes with those you love, when you’re sure you have only their best interest at heart. It’s about tenderness and unwavering support. It’s about planning to grow old together. Mariel was all these to me (and our daughter Samantha too). And now it’s our turn to share these lessons with others so that they do not have to one day sing songs “about- what- love- is” and have to live through regrets.
We love and miss you Mommy so much. Good Night.
(My thoughts tonight especially for dear friends Linda S,Di and Jan M. Thank you for all your loving kindness)
I went to the mall again today, trying to get some of the old ‘excitement ‘ back. But then even in the midst of a great sea of shopaholics, I still find myself so alone. I’m missing those times we would be there trying to hunt for ‘ great bargains’. Yes, you would have loved the Power Plant today, there’s the usual cakes and pastries exhibition and your beloved Marks and Spencer Sale (of course, I’m usually the one happily at the receiving end of this). I even watched a movie- Angels and Demons- alone. It was quite engaging till the end credits when I again realized that I have much more time on my hands to fritter away this day. I’m really sorry too, especially to my dear friend Jan and ever-caring niece Mariel if I have to sound again to be a bit on the gloomier side. You see, I just can’t help it because I still think a whole lot about you all the time. (But you already know this too well)
It’s been about one year, eight months and ten days since you were called back to the Lord’s garden. And I just feel so lonely today. It’s the way things are, after the kind offers of sympathy, comforting calls and messages had to give way to life’s more “pressing realities” for many of our dearest loved ones and friends. I know that it’s not that they don’t care anymore. It’s just that like most people, they just have to move on. (Oh, the moving on thing again). Well in my case. I’m pretty sure that I cannot ever if it will mean living my life without you. And I want you to know that you will always be part of my life, my “reality”.
Because you will always be part of every little birthday party we celebrate for our Sammy. Will always be there when she gets that recognition from school. Will be there too watching all her musical performances. Will be there with me when I buy those new shoes or clothes for her. There for her own lovely wedding some day. And surely there every single day when we wake up or go to bed at night, it will always be– “We love you Mommy”. You will ALWAYS be with us.
I love you Mariel. Don’t worry about Sam because she will grow up to be like the wonderful and loving person that you were/ are (I’ll make sure of that). And I know she misses you too very much. Good night
Exactly 12 years ago, I first “met” the person who had changed my life forever. She was to be my wife, my best friend, cheerleader, soulmate and ultimately, my “redemption”. For with her passing, she had made me into the infinitely better person I can only before dream as possible. For she had taught me how to REALLY love. To love unconditionally and to find one’s happiness in the service of something greater than one’s self. (I also believe that she continues to offer her faithful “guidance” to our only daughter Samantha and me even today.)
To my dear friends who had followed this blog… our story, I wish to again reiterate our eternal gratitude for your being a part of our journey. We are so thankful for the comfort you had shared with us. It may seem to some that I have been away from “the garden” for sometime now. Trust me when I say that I’m still always there EVERY single day. Only that I have chosen briefly, to suffer in my pain in silence. For Mariel is too beautiful to ever easily be forgotten. And greatly missing her is just something I’m doing my best to try to live with, until our next reunion .
Not long after that fateful day in March I had told Mariel that, “you were once only a bleep on the screen, now you are a bleep in my heart”. For me, those words and moments remain frozen in time till eternity and she remains always my one true love.
I love you Mommy, you are that bleep forever in my heart.
(Allow me to share the following tune from Chick Corea and Return To Forever called “Crystal Silence”, which like Mariel’s love is both wordless and sublime.)
“All Roads Lead Home” was a tune written and performed by musician and dear friend Noli Aurillo in his latest “Noli” album/CD. He had asked me to listen it when we met again last year, after having lost touch of each other for like “centuries”. Noli had found out about what had happened to Mariel and consoled me with this song. Perhaps to tell me that Mariel is in a far better place now, or that someday I will have her again in my arms when we meet in our heavenly home. I’m just guessing though because we never really got to talk about it. But then it’s been said that “what is given with the heart should be taken with the heart”, so I will just let the beautiful music speak for itself.
(I’d like to share this inspiring tune with you all tonight, and most especially to my dear blogger friends Robert , Linda and Jan who have always had a special place for music in their own journeys.)
To Noli, thanks again, bro
To my love Mariel, this one’s for you Mommy. I love you so very much.
“All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my… mother” — Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)
Coming home from school, I asked Sam about the little box in her school bag that had this wonderful Lincoln quote (it was a gift from her grandma). I also wanted to know if she still often thinks about her mom. She just simply nodded, probably thinking it was a rather silly question. I guess I just wanted again to find another excuse to talk about Mariel. (I’ve often felt a bit embarrassed finding myself unintentionally “appending” my beloved into many casual conversations. Friends I think do their best however to “accommodate” this habit). That was when I asked Sam further about what she thought she had “owed’ her mommy with regard to being who she was. I kidded her that I was quite sure that she had “inherited” the healthy appetite from me. She then went on to enumerate the following, as best as a young ten-year old can. “
“Thank you mommy for”:
- “my good grades” (she believes it’s her mom and rightfully so, who had instilled in her the discipline to take school work seriously and consequently excel in it. Sam works hard at it and I see Mariel’s passion for perfection in our little Sammy too)
- “my nice skin” (Mariel did have that unbelievably flawless complexion. Fortunately too Sam got her’s and not mine)
- “my nice clothes” (I think Sam meant mommy’s fine taste in clothes. Mariel had always been a smart dresser and channeled this passion in getting Sam clothes and accessories almost weekly)
- “our nice house” (Mariel loved to make our home comfortable and beautiful. She was always taking care to decorate it specially during Christmas. I guess I just have to do my best to continue where she had left off)
Our only daughter, in time, I know will come to realize that there are so much more to be appreciated about her mommy (specially with her mom’s complete love and devotion to her). I have come to recognize more and more each day, that Sam is indeed becoming to be all the best things her mommy was.
I still miss Mariel as much as the day when she had left us for God’s garden. But it eases the pain somewhat each time I get to be with Sam. Because she is truly Mariel’s greatest gift to me, having given the best part of herself through our beloved daughter.
We thank you Mommy for your life of love. We love you!
Last year, Samantha wrote you a birthday card wishing you a happy first birthday in heaven. Well today would then be your second one there. Actually I’m not sure how they celebrate it over there, if at all, but all I really wish for is that you are truly happy now and that you are always gloriously in the presence of our Lord. I’m sorry though if I still bug you from time to time with my trivial little problems. You know more than anyone that I could never get any rest unless I had shared them with you. (I also miss those reassuring hugs so much.)
I posted too this candid photo of you when Sam was barely a week old because it speaks to me about how much you had loved her– then and now. I promise to do my best to face life bravely for her sake and shall always strive to take care of her the way you have always wanted. She is growing up so fast and I see more and more of you in her with each passing day. Please try to guide her also whenever you can because there are just some things I was never really good at, like perhaps explaining about “the birds and the bees” thingy.
Mama offered Holy Mass for you today as I make my usual trip to Heritage. We will also have a simple dinner to remember you tonight with Mama, Alma, Baguie and kids. I do hope you can join us then. And always, always remember that we love you so very much, now and forever.
“Dear God, The journey has been long and hard. Thank you for being with me. There is still more to do. Please stay with me… Amen” — Marta Felber, Finding Your Way
The week ended with the yearly commemoration of All Saints’ Day. To just about everyone in our largely Christian country, November 1 has always been reserved for the remembrance of lost love ones. It usually meant bringing the most beautiful flowers one can possibly get for them. I had white ones for Mariel because she had told me once before that she had specially liked them for these occasions. The special day however had made a few more thoughts cross my mind. For one, it had reminded me ever so viscerally that in a few days, Mariel’s and my birthday shall be coming. I’m still very much saddened by these expected anniversaries and celebrations, simply because Mariel and I had always given them a lot of importance and seriousness . I know nevertheless that I must do my best to see them in a slightly different light now. As I even try to start new ways of keeping the memories alive. It’s easier said than done though when your loved one’s not there to make it worth celebrating. However, I must strive just the same because I know Mariel would’ve bravely breezed through these times.
This week brought me back to where my journey had began. I tried so hard to avoid going to UST hospital this past year but I just couldn’t get out of this one simply because Sam needed to be admitted to the same hospital after having taken some “bad food” at a party and her pediatrician happens to come from the very place too. And much more, the only available room was on the same floor where Mariel and I had stayed a year ago. It was like diving to the trenches anew. Tough luck or providence? You be the judge.
For a time I was of course more preoccupied with Sam who was going through the lab tests and was running a high fever. But still the images and emotions of the recent past had kept hounding me, taunting me to confront my fears and regrets. It wasn’t long before I had finally found the guts to again walk the long, lonely corridor. To relive the days when time had stood still. To return to the valley of tears.
I must admit however that it was not as bad as I had imagined. In fact, I felt a certain kind of peace with my sadness, as I stood outside the door where Mariel and I had shared seven fateful days not so long ago, believing love will be enough to get us through. At that point, some nurses at the station recognized me and remembered Mariel. (I guess very few people really forget her once they somehow get to know her.) They said they remembered most the whiteness and porcelain-like texture of her skin. I’m not surprised though, because I had always known that Mariel had radiated such simplicity and childlike purity. That’s what most people usually grasp, that was the very feeling I had when I met her for the first time at the Gourmet Cafe. She was glowing and almost translucent. It was like old times again for some fleeting moments. And I neither felt afraid nor burdened because I was sure, Mariel was there holding my hand.
Of course, never a day passes that Sam and I do not remember Mariel’s love and cherished memories. But Saturday, September 20 was one we had specially marked to gather friends and loved ones to remember her on the day of her passing a year ago.
We would like to share this one with those of you who may not have had the chance to be with us on that day, but share our love and memory of a truly beautiful person.
